The T is Silent
by I am Pseudonymous
Summary: No one in Magical Britain seems to know how to properly say Voldemort. Here's what happens when Harry finds out. Alternate Summary: Harry could no longer contain himself and started pestering Voldemort through letters. The guy already tries to torture and kill him on a regular basis. Can't get much worse so he might as well get some entertainment.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I promise I'm not secretly JK Rowling, and I don't own Harry Potter. However I do own my marbles and need help finding them. I suspect the nargles took them. Any information you can provide would help greatly as the last of my sanity was stored in those marbles.

Thankyou.

PS. I don't know French, I just looked it up.

0o0o0

"What did you just say?" Harry stared in shock at Fleur, completely uncomprehending. She sighed in annoyance, "I said, it is pronounced / _Vol de mor/._ The T is silent. If you're going to say it, at least say it right."

Harry blinked a couple times, started trembling with mirth, then finally couldn't contain it anymore bursting into hysterical laughter. After a few minutes of everyone in the Burrow staring at him like he'd grown a second head he managed to choke out, "Even the old snake face himself says it wrong. And he was so proud of coming up with the title too!"

This drew a chuckle from a few others in the room. Namely Fred and George. "That is quite amusing," said Fleur.

Suddenly Harry froze with a shit eating grin plastered on his face. "I have a letter to write," He said and quickly dashed up the stairs.

0o0o0

In an undisclosed location a few hours later…

Voldemort looked up from his desk when he heard an owl tapping on the window. Recognizing it as Potter's he flicked his wrist using a burst of magic to grant it entrance. Might as well find out why the boy would send him of all people a letter. As soon as the window was open the owl dived at the desk, dropped the letter on it, and quickly flew back out. No way was she staying for his reaction; not with the creepy giggles Harry made when writing it.

Giving the envelope a suspicious look Voldemort cast quite a few extensive detecting spells on it. When they all came back negative he slowly picked it up and flipped it over, snarling at the name on it. Tom Marvolo Riddle, was written in gaudy red ink.

He resisted the urge to throw it in his fireplace, instead tearing it open and quickly reading the contents.

' **Dear Tommy,**

 **Something has recently come to my attention that I thought I should inform you of immediately. I ask that you would not take offence to me pointing out your honestly laughable mistake. I really don't know how you did it, what with all the effort you put into creating your title. Amusing how you actually found an anagram that means flight of death, and then proceeded to call your minions Death Eaters. Anyway it turns out that the T in Voldemort is silent. Can you believe it? I wonder how more people haven't realized this sooner. Other than the people who speak French of course. Maybe they did and were just too scared to say something. I've heard that you can be very intimidating. However like a true friend I decided it would be best to let you know.**

 **Love, Harry, xoxo**

 **PS. I heard the Dark side has the best cookies. Please send some.'**

Voldemort's expression was deceptively calm as the paper in his hand burst into flames.

"Wormtail! Go make the most disgusting cookies possible!"

 **AN:** This was just something that popped into my head and wouldn't go away.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN:** So I wasn't originally planning to continue this, but then the plot bunny kept nagging at me. If anyone's wondering, this particular bunny is a Netherland dwarf. They're quite stubborn creatures.

0o0o0

Ron let out a massive yawn as they entered the great hall, "Remind me again why we had to wake up this early? It's Sunday." At the break of dawn Hermione had barged into the boys dorm and demanded they get up. After much arguing the other residents of the room grumpily kicked them out.

"I already told you we're studying. You agreed to this yesterday," Hermione huffed as they sat down. Ron complained a little more as he dished his food, but once he started eating he devoted all his attention to the food.

About halfway through breakfast the mail arrived. Nothing out of the ordinary if it weren't for the massive eagle owl that flew in shortly after all the other birds left. It circled the room a few times before dropping a small package with a letter in front of Harry. There was a truly foul smell emanating from the package.

"What the bloody hell is that?" asked Ron as he pinched his nose. Hermione looked like she wanted to scold him but was trying not to breathe too deeply. Harry shrugged, staring at it in confusion.

Slowly, Harry reached out and untied the envelope from the package. His eyes widened, Harry James Potter, was written in neat cursive. The ink was Slytherin green. Turning his attention to the package he sighs in disappointment. If Voldemort was going to try poisoning him why not at least make it less obvious.

He looks up at his two friends with a grin, "It's a reply to that letter I sent, remember the one?" They both pale.

"Be careful opening that. He could've done something to it. You're lucky nothing seems to have happened when you touched it."

"You worry too much Hermione. Besides, Voldemort doesn't work like that. He'd prefer to have the pleasure of killing me in person. Otherwise he would of made the cookies a little less obviously toxic." Harry ripped open the letter.

"How do you know it's cookies?" asked both Hermione and Ron in unison.

"I asked for some. Clearly the Dark side making the best cookies is a myth."

Draco Malfoy, who had been trying to look at the letter on his way out having recognized the owl who delivered it, froze looking horrified.

"You asked the _Dark Lord_ for cookies!"

Harry huffed in annoyance as people gasped and some even attempted to subtly move away from him, "Yes, now leave me alone while I read my letter."

' **Dear Potter,**

 **I appreciate your concern, but it was completely unnecessary. I was well aware of the pronunciation. However I have resigned myself to the idiocy of others and stopped correcting them.**

 **I would ask that you not contact me in future.**

 **With much hate,**

 **Voldemort**

 **PS. enjoy the cookies**

Cackling, Harry passed the letter to Ron. In between gasping for breath he said, "What a liar."


	3. Chapter 3

With a show of great strength, the Great and Powerful Lord Voldemort resisted the urge to incinerate the letter lying innocently on his desk. Slowly he reached out, picked it up, and tore it open. Quick, like a bandaid.

He is the Dark Lord, and would not be seen throwing a tantrum. Even if the only one there to see was his familiar, Nagini. Especially because of it. She'd never let him live it down.

And so, he kept his anger in check as he read.

' **Dear Bestest Bud Tommy,**

 **Honestly, after years of our beautiful friendship, I am truly hurt that you would try to lie to me. Did you forget that I met your diary?** _ **Or**_ **were you never aware of that in the first place?**

 **Tsk, Tsk, I hope you look into what your followers were up to in your absence. Children do tend to misbehave when they think Daddy's not around to punish them. Princess Lucy in particular was quite the over achiever.**

 _ **Anywho,**_ **Little Tommy was the one to tell me the story behind the title. Looking back on it, it's kind of adorable how proud of himself he was. I almost regret having to kill him. All in self defense you understand.**

 **Besides, I doubt you'd really want two of you walking around anyway. The brat was planning to take your place. Can you believe that? I guess this means you owe me for dealing with him.**

 **Maybe send more cookies? Someone seems to have done unspeakable atrocities to the previous batch, and I strongly suggest you look into the matter.**

 **They're trying to ruin your reputation of making the world's greatest cookies! Anyone else surely would have fallen for the deception. But don't worry, as your Bestest Bud in the Whole Wide World, I know better. Even if you did lie to me not that long ago I still have faith in you.**

 **I hope you catch the heathen attempting to tarnish your good name.**

 **With all my love**

 **Your Best Friend, Harry Potter** '

Lucius Malfoy was never heard from again.

 **AN:** I had an absolute blast writing this and if anyone has suggestions I might write more.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN:** This chap is for LadyPhoenix68. I know it's not quite what you asked for, but I hope you like it all the same.

0o0o0

' **Dear Tommy,**

 **Hey it's been weeks and you still haven't answered my last letter. Is it about the cookies? Don't worry I'm sure you'll get to the bottom of it.**

 **Please reply if you have the time. I was thinking about having a picnic, and your cookies would be the perfect addition.**

 **Love, Harry**

 **PS. Draco's been quite depressed lately, what with his father's disappearance. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?'**

Voldemort had been debating what to do with the newest batch of mudbloods when he got the letter.

He decided right then and there that he would have them partake in a little baking competition. Whoever can make the most foul concoction that somewhat resembles cookies will spend the rest of their life baking for the boy who won't shut up, and the rest will be Bella's new toys.

Pettigrew will taste test as punishment, since he clearly hadn't made the last batch disgusting enough.

Voldemort immediately summons all his followers and has them get started on the preparations. He cackles madly as he casts a bubble around the stage. Don't want the smell to ruin the show after all.

Even when he's giddy as a child about something like a _baking competition_ his followers find him terrifying.

Shortly after it began Bella decided it wasn't interesting enough, and not wanting her master to grow bored, elected herself gameshow host. This pretty much meant she did her utmost to turn each and every competitor into a blubbering mess before they could finish their cookies.

Of course she was told not to _physically_ injure any of them until after a winner had been chosen. That's fine, she has other means.

The winner was found when Pettigrew took one sniff of the last batch of cookies and fell over dead.

He was unceremoniously dumped in the middle of Diagon Alley the next day.

' **Dear Potter,**

 **It was the baker. Don't worry, he was suitably punished and a replacement found. Hope you enjoy the fresh cookies that have been included in this letter. There was a lovely competition to decide who would bake for the boy who lived.**

 **Take these to your picnic and make sure all your friends get one. Sadly I am unable to attend, but do send them my regards.**

 **With increasing loathing,**

 **Voldemort**

 **PS. Do you really want to know what became of our** _ **dear Lucy?**_ '

Harry stared at the package of supposed cookies that were emanating a literal aura of death. As soon as it landed on the Gryffindor table and the smell hit them, those within fifty feet fled. Many threw up, and poor Neville slipped in a puddle, pulling Ron down with him. It was Ron's sick after all.

All Harry could think was, 'Well played.'


	5. Chapter 5

**Replies to Guests :)**

Alex, That sounds awesome! Just as long as you make it clear I'm the author. Were you thinking about posting it on Fanfiction or a different site? If you have an account on here send me a PM.

PerpetuallyTired, That entire letter was because Princess Lucy popped into my head. So far one of my personal favorite letters.

This chap goes to Death Wand.

0o0o0

After the debacle of bribing Dobby with lots of socks to dispose of the "cookies" Harry decided it was time to bring out the big guns. That one pair of socks cost him ten Galleons!

' **Dear Tommykins,**

 **I've been thinking and you should really join my side. Together we could be great. And… Drumroll...**

 **We don't have paperwork!**

 **Love, Harry xoxo**

 **PS. HOLYSNITCHERDOODLES!**

 **Those cookies certainly had a kick to them.**

 **Such a shame you couldn't make it to the picnic. Your cookies were an absolute hit. Ron had so much he threw up!** '

Voldemort considers the letter in front of him for a moment. Ignoring the frankly disturbing post script. Clearly the fumes have increased the boys delusions. But the question is whether the rest of his letter is a product of that. Ever since disposing of Lucius his paperwork has increased tenfold. There's no way the boy actually found a way around it.

Did he?

' **Dear Harry,**

 **I regret to inform you that I cannot join your side. My followers depend on me to continue the cause. We've come too far to quit now.**

 **However, as one friend to another, could you possibly share your secret to paperwork?**

 **With lessening loathing,**

 **Voldemort** '

Harry rolled around on the ground cackling his head off till he was blue in the face. When the Weasley twins picked up his fallen letter they soon joined him. The rest of the great hall collectively feared for their lives and sanity.

Dumbledore considered whether or not he could find a new weapon. Maybe the prophecy really was about Neville Longbottom?

' **Dear Tommy,**

 **I lied. There is no avoiding paperwork.**

 **Did you really think I wouldn't get you back for lying to me?**

 **We're even now.**

 **With disappointment, Harry'**

Voldemort sends the next batch of cookies in a flimsy box that is dropped on Harry's head. The burst everywhere, and he smelled for days. Luckily this was not a deadly batch.

The letter only had one word written on it in harsh jagged letters. Nothing like Voldemort's usual elegant scrawl.

' _ **SUFFER**_ '

0o0o0

 **BONUS:**

 **Scrapped Letter by Harry**

' **Dear Tommy,**

 **I have come to realize that everyone got it wrong. The Dark doesn't make the best cookies, they make the worst.**

 **At first I wasn't sure what to do because those** _ **things**_ **are clearly toxic and should be dealt with in a haz-mat suit. None of the teachers except for Snape seemed to understand this though. What kind of alternate reality have I entered where Snape is the only one who agrees with me!**

 **Dumbledore was just going to vanish them to some random location as long as it wasn't here!**

 **So I enlisted the help of Dobby. It took many pairs of cool socks but finally he agreed to dispose of them in a safe manner. Snape even gave him some tips!**

 **I should have realized the truth sooner. I am in awe of you and yours evilness in the cookie arts.'**

Once Harry had that out of his system, he started on the real letter. ' **Dear Tommykins...**

 **AN:** R&R your thoughts and prompts are always welcome.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN:** Heeeeyy! I'm alive! Did you miss me? :)

Not sure if anyone else has had this issue but PMs I send and receive haven't been giving notifications. Just thought I'd let everyone know since I like replying to reviews that way. The PMs will still go through, just no notification.

And a belated (Not sure you'll even see this) thank you to guest reviewers, Guest, and alba. And your welcome alba. It always makes me happy when someone enjoys my writing.

So a couple people said Harry should have sent the scrapped letter. It was tempting, but didn't quite fit with the vibe we were going for. Harry's letters are perpetually cheerful, friendly, and oblivious in an effort to annoy and confuse/unnerve Voldemort as much as possible. And he tried to stick to that with the scrapped letter, but he was still expressing more frustration than he wanted to let on to Voldemort. He felt like it would be giving in too soon. Voldemort wants him to get upset, to inconvenience him, and that letter would have told him he achieved just that. However, now that those famous cookies have been dumped on his head… Well he just can't _quite_ hold it all back anymore.

Read on my lovelies

0o0o0

Harry fumed as he lay in the hospital wing. Madame Pomfrey had already looked him over and said he was perfectly healthy aside from the smell that just. would. not. leave. He was only still in the hospital wing because of everyone else's weak stomachs.

He stared at a piece of paper trying to decide on a way to both express his frustration, and not let Voldemort win. Then it hit him. He'll pretend the whole issue was the cookies. He won't even mention the paperwork. Sprinkle it with enough condescending sugar and it should suitably enrage Voldemort. He did kind of wish he sent that other letter so he'll take inspiration from it.

' **Dear Tom,**

 **I concede to the power of your evilness in the culinary arts, and ask that you don't ever drop such things on my head again. If I had realized it offended you so greatly I wouldn't have pretended the cookies were delicious.**

 **Does it really grate you so much that people were so horribly mistaken of where your talents lie? Why don't you just say something instead of being all passive aggressive? There's really no point though. Everyone has realized by now that the dark makes the worst cookies imaginable.**

 **Up until this point I had truly thought we were just having a good bit of fun. Some light hearted teasing! That is what best friends are wont to do is it not?**

 **Clearly that is not how you felt. No one will go near me now because I smell so bad. They kicked me out of the dorm!**

 **I will cease joking about your delicious cookies. Now that the great pride you take in your foul concoctions has become apparent to me. I only wish I had realized sooner that my jokes were hurting you.**

 **Communication is the key to any relationship Tom. I hope we can salvage this friendship, but you need to talk to me.**

 **Love, Harry** '

0o0o0

' **Potter,**

 **I was not upset about the cookies you daft boy! The war on paperwork is no laughing matter. It is the only thing that both Light and Dark are united in!**

 **We were never friends.**

 **May you burn in the deepest pits of Hell.**

 **From,**

 **Voldemort** '

Voldemort ignored Nagini telling him he should forgive the child. He should never have read those letters to her. She's developed a fondness for the boy. Finds him amusing. _**Disgusting.**_

' **My dearest Tommy,**

 **Is paperwork really such a big deal? If so, please teach this foolish boy why such a seemingly innocent, if annoying, thing has united such bitter enemies against it. Because to be honest it had seemed so insignificant I actually forgot about it when trying to figure out why you were mad at me. M** **aybe in time you could come to forgive me and my heathen ways.**

 **If you are no longer willing to speak to me I suppose Dumbledore would be suitably knowledgeable on the subject of paperwork. How ever, I thought I should ask you first.**

 **With nothing but my deepest affection,**

 **Harry** '

 **AN** ** **:**** I'm thinking about having Hermione make everyone stage an intervention for Harry next chap. Anyone got any suggestions they might like seeing added to it?

R&R


	7. Chapter 7

**AN:** Thank you Jaime :)

 **0o0o0**

' _ **Dear Little Hatchling,**_

 _ **My master has been moping around and refusing to so much as look at your most recent letter. So with great difficulty I write to you. I hope my parslescript is legible enough.**_

 _ **I just wished to tell you how much I enjoy your letters and not to worry. My master will come around. Hopefully when I ask him to send this letter, as the owls are much too scared of me.**_

 _ **If not I would like to come live with you instead. He's being insufferable.**_

 _ **With an affectionate hug,**_

 _ **Nagini**_ '

Nagini sealed the letter and slithered over to her master, " _Please mail this."_

"Who would you be sending a letter to?"

If snakes could look deadpan, Nagini certainly would in this moment.

" _Oh, you know. Just another snake. He's quite the cutie._

 _Who do you think it's for?_ " she asked sarcastically.

Voldemort immediately snatched the letter from her and scowled down at the name scribbled on it. He was just about to throw it in the fire when Nagini gave a threatening hiss and rattled her tail against the floor.

" _Don't. You. Dare._ "

"Why should I send this for you?"

" _I miss hearing from the hatchling, and your moping is quite grating. You should just reply to him already. Maybe if you continue these letters there will be no need to kill him. The hatchling would make a much better ally, don't you agree_."

Voldemort's glare intensified and he crossed his arms, "I have not been moping. I also have no desire to associate myself with that brat."

" _Then why do you still have that unread letter?"_

0o0o0

Harry was shocked and extremely amused when he received Nagini's letter. His amusement only grew when a couple hours later, he received another from Voldemort.

' **Potter,**

 **You better not have gone to that simpleton! He couldn't possibly teach you everything necessary.**

 **Paperwork is the worst creation known to man. It's like a parasite sinking it's foul teeth into the earth. It doesn't matter how many times you claw it out, kill it, there's ALWAYS MORE! It's an unavoidable evil that will slowly turn you into a shadow of the man you were if you're not careful.**

 **I imagine it will come as no surprise to you to learn that it was invented by muggles, disgusting creatures that they are. You see why I don't want them infecting our world anymore than they already have?**

 **I am a cruel man, Potter, but paperwork? That is a much greater evil than I…** '

Harry stared down at the letter that just seemed to go on and on, torn between his amusement, disgust, and an odd fascination. Did Voldemort seriously expect him to read all this? The owl that brought it to him had struggled with the weight of it!

0o0o0

Harry was cheerfully heading through the portrait hole, letters in hand, when he froze at the sight that lay before him. The entirety of Gryffindor house seemed to be crowded into the room. Wait… were they all even Gryffindors?! And why are they all just staring at him?

Harry laughed nervously, " _Hello?_ What's all this about?"

"Harry, we're worried about you," Hermione said.

"Why? I've been out of the hospital wing for a few days now, 100% stink free. Madame Pomfrey said I was fine. Don't you think if she had missed something and I was gonna drop dead it would have happened already?"

"You know full well that's not what this is about," she gave a pointed look at the parchment he carried.

"He's completely barmy!" someone shouted.

"He's a genius, is what he is!"

The twins were promptly thrown from the crowd and given various looks of disgust. Harry raised an eyebrow at them, "Will either of you tell me what their problems are?"

"Why your pranks of course,"

"Big fans by the way,"

"This lovely little mob has gathered to make you stop,"

" _But don't worry, we're on your side."_

A shiver ran down everyone's spines as they gazed upon the twins' evil grins.

Hermione though, was immune, and just frowned disapprovingly as she took a step forward dragging Ron along with her. The poor guy looked like he wished to be anywhere else.

"Harry, all these letters you've been exchanging with Voldemort can't be good for your health."

"Au contraire, I've never felt better."

"But the cookies," whinged Ron. He immediately regretted opening his mouth.

"Aww, is ickle Ronniekins scared of a little confectionary delights?"

"Oh that can't be right Greg. He's a Gryffindor after all."

"Then what?"

"I've got it! They're jealous that they haven't received any."

"Ah, the classic, 'if we can't have it, you can't either'."

The twins leered around the room.

Ron whimpered.

Neville shakily raised a hand, "Well I'm Gryffindor enough to admit the cookies do scare me as well as the thought of what else You Know Who might send when he gets bored of them."

There was a moment of silence after that.

"I'm sorry, but I won't stop."

Harry won't ever admit that the sudden killing intent directed at him was a bit intimidating. They would never actually hurt him. Would they?

Everything devolved into chaos from there.

0o0o0

When Harry woke, he was levitating. Looking around, he realized he was being pulled along by none other than Draco Malfoy. Certainly an odd situation to wake up to, but let's be honest his life is nothing but odd so he took it all in stride.

"Malfey," he slurred. His lips felt numb.

Malfoy jumped about a foot in the air, and dropped Harry who hit the ground with a loud groan.

"Whe'e a' we?"

Harry was a bit worried since the last thing he remembered was the twins, Ron, Hermione, and him struggling to fight back a horde of angry Gryfs.

"I'm sorry Potter. I had no choice. They would've killed both of us! They're completely mad!"

Harry could feel himself get a bit more control of his body as he stared at the trembling teen.

"You're taking me to Voldemort aren't you?" he asked flatly. His only response was a violent flinch.

"All right then," Harry sighed.

"You're not mad?"

"Nope," he cheerily popped the P as he stood, "Lead on!"

 **AN:** I'm tired. Reviews give me energy.


End file.
